regrets, i've had a few....
05/12/06 11:46
Okay, so I thought I was dealing well with the whole
ADD thing, and I guess I am to a certain extent. In
fact, I kind of make jokes about it, which is my way
of dealing with things (c.f. attempted rape, etc
etc). However, I can't help but feel angry that I
only got diagnosed at the age of 30, AFTER
university. I try not to be, but I can't help feeling
that my life is wasted now. I don't really blame
anyone, I know it's only recently that awareness has
increased about non-hyperactive ADD, and without
sounding smug, I am quite smart so I wasn't falling
behind at school so I wasn't obvious but my life
could have been so much different if I'd received the
diagnosis and treatment at university.
Okay, so I have two university degrees, one science, one arts. That's pretty impressive, one involves the right side of the brain, one involves the left. One is a Masters degree. I have genius level IQ. I should be achieving so much more than just steaming milk and pulling shots for a living. I should be high flying, achieving, helping people.
I used to want to be a doctor, work for Medecins sans Frontieres, or paediatrics, or emergency medicine. I sucked at maths, my parent wouldn't get me a maths tutor because I didn't suck THAT badly. Maths was the reason I couldn't do medicine. I was acing biology, I was understanding university chemistry at the age of 14, I could do English better than anyone thought (even myself) but not maths. I've since found out that a high percentage of ADDers have problems with maths. If i'd been diagnosed earlier, I could have had help with my maths. I could have been in Darfur or Iraq or Afghanistan helping people right now instead of catering to the over-privileged in downtown Toronto.
I'm too old to do medicine now. I would be about 40 before I was qualified, which isn't that old, but it would be pretty much impossible to have children in that time.
I've thought about law, I'm still thinking about it. The thing is, I don't know if I'm smart enough for it. I've spent so long thinking I'm stupid and lazy and my brain doesn't work that I don't know if I even have the confidence to study for the LSAT. Maybe I should just stay steaming milk? At least I know I can do that. But if I studied law, I'd want to specialise in human rights and/or environmental law and those would also help people, right?
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess that I just need to get it out of myself that sometimes I'm angry about the ADD diagnosis, not that I have it, because I've always had it (it's just that nobody noticed), but that it took so long for anyone to notice. I lived with two teacher parents, I went through two university degrees. I wondered if I might have it myself when I was at university but I figured I was too old and not hyperactive so I was obviously just stupid. I guess i'm angry that there isn't more awareness of inattentive type ADHD, more awareness that a lot more adults are being diagnosed with it now as more is known about the disorder.
Meh, this is just a rambling rant, it doesn't make much sense. I apologise to anyone who reads it. But this is my blog and this is how I feel, and although I'm usually fine with the whole thing, today I'm regretful and angry that my life isn't what it could be and I have no idea how to change it.
Okay, so I have two university degrees, one science, one arts. That's pretty impressive, one involves the right side of the brain, one involves the left. One is a Masters degree. I have genius level IQ. I should be achieving so much more than just steaming milk and pulling shots for a living. I should be high flying, achieving, helping people.
I used to want to be a doctor, work for Medecins sans Frontieres, or paediatrics, or emergency medicine. I sucked at maths, my parent wouldn't get me a maths tutor because I didn't suck THAT badly. Maths was the reason I couldn't do medicine. I was acing biology, I was understanding university chemistry at the age of 14, I could do English better than anyone thought (even myself) but not maths. I've since found out that a high percentage of ADDers have problems with maths. If i'd been diagnosed earlier, I could have had help with my maths. I could have been in Darfur or Iraq or Afghanistan helping people right now instead of catering to the over-privileged in downtown Toronto.
I'm too old to do medicine now. I would be about 40 before I was qualified, which isn't that old, but it would be pretty much impossible to have children in that time.
I've thought about law, I'm still thinking about it. The thing is, I don't know if I'm smart enough for it. I've spent so long thinking I'm stupid and lazy and my brain doesn't work that I don't know if I even have the confidence to study for the LSAT. Maybe I should just stay steaming milk? At least I know I can do that. But if I studied law, I'd want to specialise in human rights and/or environmental law and those would also help people, right?
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess that I just need to get it out of myself that sometimes I'm angry about the ADD diagnosis, not that I have it, because I've always had it (it's just that nobody noticed), but that it took so long for anyone to notice. I lived with two teacher parents, I went through two university degrees. I wondered if I might have it myself when I was at university but I figured I was too old and not hyperactive so I was obviously just stupid. I guess i'm angry that there isn't more awareness of inattentive type ADHD, more awareness that a lot more adults are being diagnosed with it now as more is known about the disorder.
Meh, this is just a rambling rant, it doesn't make much sense. I apologise to anyone who reads it. But this is my blog and this is how I feel, and although I'm usually fine with the whole thing, today I'm regretful and angry that my life isn't what it could be and I have no idea how to change it.
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